The Pink Ladoo Project

It's wonderful what one can find while stumbling aimlessly around Facebook. On one such day, I came across the "Pink Ladoo Project", and the name had me instantly intrigued. So the natural next step was to investigate what this project was all about - and I instantly fell in love with the idea.

The South Asian culture, whether in South Asia or abroad as many of us are, still had lots of gender-biased traditions that permeate far and wide. I'm thankful everyday that I grew up in a family where my being a female was celebrated, not treated as something to be ashamed of. I know of many South Asian women my age who are still expected to aspire to marriage and childbearing as their highest goals.

Yes, you may have done all these wonderful things - but when are you getting married?

I recently started working at McKinsey, and remember running into someone at a (South Asian) wedding soon after this happened. They were very happy for and proud of me, and said as much, but soon enough the conversation veered into what I could do with my life next. "So, beta, now that you have a good job - when are you getting married?" To say I was shocked would be an understatement.

I am so, SO grateful to have parents who have never led me to believe that being a wife and/or mother is all I should ever aspire to be. Indeed, my parents have never asked me the awful "So when are you getting married?" question, but I have gotten plenty of "So when are you getting your next degree?" questions.

Traditionally, when a male child is born in many South Asian cultures, the family distributes special sweets (called ladoos) to friends, family and neighbours. While this is slowly changing to encompass the birth of female children too, it is a slow and uphill battle. When I was born (all the way back in the early nineties), my parents celebrated my birth by distributing sweets - and people thought they were crazy. Why were they celebrating the birth of a girl? That too, their THIRD girl?! Sadly, twenty-four years later, this kind of thinking is a lot more prevalent than we would like.

I've recently heard conversations that go like this:

Person A: I'm so happy! My daughter/sister/brother/someone I know just had a baby girl!

Person B: Oh, a girl? Koi baat nahi...

('Koi baat nahi' roughly translates to 'never mind' or 'no matter' or 'it's okay'. It's literally someone saying that having a girl is something to be disappointed about. Seriously?)

Every single time I've heard such a conversation, I've felt sick to my stomach. These are not people living in a village without education who still think a girl is a burden because dowry (another outdated practice, I think we can all agree) will have to be paid for her at some stage. No, these are educated people who should know better - who have daughters of their own.

This is why I love the Pink Ladoo Project, and I want more people to hear about it. The project's mission is 'to eradicate gender-biased South Asian practices, customs and traditions', specifically by focusing on the practice of celebrating the birth of the boy by distributing ladoos, but not doing the same for girls. The project encourages families to distribute pink ladoos when a girl child is born. Such a simple act, and yet one that can have such far reaching effects - some simply because it will encourage conversation and thinking about gender equality. 

I'd encourage you to check out their Facebook page, where many families have shared their own 'pink ladoo' stories here: https://www.facebook.com/pinkladoo/

Let's keep the conversation flowing on this! I want my nieces to grow up in a world where they NEVER have to feel like their existence is not celebrated simply because of their gender. 

Don't Put Me in Your Box

Don't put me in your box, don't assume that because I'm a 24 year old Kenyan woman of Indian origin, I must fit a certain stereotype. I'm ambitious, and I want a lot more out of my life than you think I'm aspiring to. No, I don't need to 'think about settling down' because 'women should start planning their family around the age of 28'. Marriage, a family, all that- they're not unimportant, but they're not all that a woman can have. Don't measure my success by where you/your daughter/your neighbour's daughter were/are at 24. That's their story. And I'm writing my own. 

When you look at me, then find out what I studied/where I studied/where I've worked and say something like "Wow, I had no idea you were smart!", don't expect me to take that as a compliment. If you're willing to judge someone at face value, then I'm more than entitled to judge you for the person you just showed yourself to be. When you find out that I'm planning to undertake a workout programme and you say something like "Be careful or you'll get muscles!", don't be surprised when I look confused. 

If you learn about my accomplishments and say something along the lines of "Wow, that's so awesome for a woman/girl!", be prepared for me to look at you like you just sprouted another head. Does being a woman exclude me from aspiring to success? Does being a woman mean that I'm automatically less intelligent than everyone else you know? 

I remember being asked at a job interview "You have a really impressive background, but wouldn't you rather just work in the beauty industry? You know, being a woman and all?"

I won't apologise for not laughing at your racist, homophobic, and/or sexist jokes- no matter how uncomfortable that makes you. No, it's not funny when you say that someone is 'not a man' because they chose to stay home with their children instead of going out with you. If you're the most loving, kind and supportive spouse, and you both have an awesome relationship, but when you're out with your friends you make jokes about how women 'nag all the time' or how 'men never get anything done'- that's not funny either. It's not funny when you think that just because your skin colour happens to be lighter or darker than someone else's, that gives you automatic superiority- it doesn't. You know what makes someone 'better' or 'worse' than someone else? Who they are. NOT the colour of their skin.  

If you laugh at people for being 'stupid and closed minded' but the last time you bothered to learn something new was when you were in formal education, and you dogmatically reject all that is unfamiliar to you... yes, I probably will say something. 

Nobody's perfect- but I think that those with the ability to make change happen almost have a responsibility to do so. If we don't grow, if we never improve- how meaningful are our lives really?

This is my life, and my story, and I want you to realise we can be different without being at conflict. Don't put me in your box- allow me to forge my own path. I'll make mistakes, I'll fail, I'll do stupid things more than once in a while. But I'll learn. And I'll grow.

Liked this post? Don't forget to comment/share on Facebook, and like/RT on Twitter!

Don't put me in your box, don't assume that I must fit a certain stereotype. #inspiration https://t.co/bT0CwuZPBk @FemaleBloggerRT

— The Kenyan Nomad (@TheKenyanNomad) May 9, 2016

Bold and Badass: Vava Angwenyi

I first met Vava at the Sankalp Forum in Nairobi, a little over a month ago. We were at one of the sessions, a 'service provider speed dating session', designed to put entrepreneurs together with service providers. I was there as a service provider, and she as an entrepreneur. While we spoke for no more than 5 minutes, I was impressed by her, and wanted to know more. I heard great things about her from others too.

Naturally, I spoke to her about the YWSE (Nairobi) network, and thought that it'd be great to have her as a speaker. Little did I know how soon this was to happen! This past Monday (the 4th of April), was our monthly "How She Does It" YWSE dinner. Despite the rain and awful Nairobi traffic, Vava showed up, and managed to captivate her audience very easily!

Vava Angwenyi, Founder of Vava Coffee

Vava aims to make bold and badass (her own words) decisions in all that she does- a phrase that quickly caught on and proved to be quite inspirational to the rest of us! Vava has been working in the traditionally male-dominated coffee industry for 10 years now, and founded Vava Coffee in 2009, with the aim of providing sustainable livelihoods for coffee farmers. "As Africa, we have become too dependent on aid," she explained. "We don't challenge ourselves."

Kenyan children are expected to follow a certain path- go to school, get a good job, get married, have some kids, and then die. However, Vava knew that this wasn't for her. As someone who's very good at seeing a long term vision, she's never been short sighted, and she's trying to challenge the view that once you go to school and leave, the first job you get will be your dream job.

"Whatever you do, you HAVE to be passionate about it! When you truly believe in something, you have to see it through, and the rest of the pieces will fall into place."
-Vava

After she finished her first degree, she knew that she couldn't go back with just one degree- she was a Kenyan daughter, after all. So, she proceeded to get her masters in International Finance from the Netherlands. Once she finished her thesis, she went home- and was treated like an outcast for a while, due to the high expectations her family had of her. When Vava, who has a background in actuarial science and finance, told her mother that she was going to quit and join the coffee industry, her mother presented her with all the invoices for her school fees, and told her to pay them back, "once she was successful".

It wasn't any easier finding a support system within her friend circle; most of them didn't understand what she was doing, or even why she was doing it. She shared a crucial lesson she learnt along the way: "If you're trying to create change and you're sure of yourself, you've done enough soul searching- it has to be more than the money that drives you." In her own words, what has happened in her life so far has been phenomenal.

In a journey like Vava's, there are bound to be moments where one would want to quit, and it is crucial to find a good support system, be this physical, virtual or both. Her lovely daughter, Timanoi (who attended the dinner too), is a great support system, who from time to time reminds her mother "Mama, you can't give up!"

When you want to quit and don't have support, the right people will stick around. Vava does advise, however, never to share all your problems with others. She also stressed the importance of having a virtual support system, great people whose quotes and stories resonate and help you push forward. For her, two of these people are Steve Jobs and Nat Robinson (author of Creating a Cash Cow in Kenya).

Sometimes, it's hard to realise how something that is happening at the time can actually be for our benefit. While Vava was staying with her mother, she was given 7 days notice to move out and find a place of her own. This pushed her to work harder and do better, and she credits this as being one of the factor that brought her to where she is today. Parents in Kenya have a tendency to shelter their children- Vava mentioned the fact that it's not uncommon to find children of 35 or 40 living with their parents, and unconsciously expecting to be spoonfed. The education system doesn't help with this, as more often than not, children tend to just cram and regurgitate, and expect to be handheld. According to Vava, children from educational systems abroad are all rounders, capable of thinking outside the box, and are more adaptable. The moment you start having real responsibilities in life, you start learning and growing, and for Vava, this experience definitely helped her do both.

Some questions members of the audience had for Vava:

What have been some of the biggest moments you've had that've made you feel like everything has been worth it? 

Honestly, the best moments have been when my farmers are happy. Recognition is good, but money is also important; I have previously said no to awards that have no money. A funny moment that happened recently was when I toasted with my six year old daughter. Me: "Here's to making change and increasing impact." Her: "Here's to making money!" I've created a monster!

(Vava also works with women from Kibera, an informal settlement in Nairobi, who work to make the gift bags for the coffee produced.) 

There have been times when the women in Kibera have prayed for me, have been there for me, have given me encouragement. Most of them are HIV+ and they don't have a lot to give; they really helps me to put my problems in perspective. They're joyful. There's a lot we can learn from these women!

Other moments that count are when my clients are happy, and when emails come in telling me that I inspire people. Funnily enough, theses emails always come in when I need them most. They make me cry and inspire me to get up and get going.

What are some of the challenges women entrepreneurs face? 

Many in this country- especially if you're outspoken! When going to a bank for money, it's not uncommon to be asked questions like "Does your husband know what you're doing?", "Can't he give you money?" or even "Does he approve?".

My advice? Let people think you're crazy. Our society hasn't yet absorbed the strength of a woman!

I entered a traditionally male-dominated industry, and everyone thought I was crazy at first. However, now, the people who used to laugh at me stand up and listen when I have something to say.


Not only is Vava an inspirational entrepreneur, but she's also won many awards for what she's done including the top 12 social enterprises worldwide from the BBC world challenge program! Interested in learning more about Vava? Check out her website and Facebook page! Let's all strive to be bold and badass like Vava, shall we?

Liked this post? Leave a comment on Facebook and let me know, like or retweet the tweet below, and feel free to share with friends and family!

Here's the #boldandbadass Vava of @VavaCoffeeKenya https://t.co/NnH8PbBJcs #socent #entrepreneurship #KOT #Kenya pic.twitter.com/XcLoFG67eJ

— The Kenyan Nomad (@TheKenyanNomad) April 11, 2016

My Father's Tears

Courtesy of Unsplash 

"A real man never cries."
-Plenty of people

My father is over 6 feet tall, has a loud, deep voice, and a very commanding personality. Among the people who use such terms, he would be considered a 'real man'. One thing he's never projected, however, is a false sense of 'what a real man should be'.

I've seen my father cry at occasions where normal people would and should cry; when our dogs passed, when I had my accidents, when my sister was hurting, when he watched a very touching movie, when he lost his father, and at other such moments in life. Not just my father, but I've seen other significant male figures in my life, like uncles and best friends, freely express themselves. Growing up, I always knew that being in touch with my emotions was never something to be ashamed of. However, I'm not a man.

I've heard many men and boys say it over the years, this silly mantra that's repeated and shouldn't be: "Real men don't cry." How does being in touch with your emotions make you any less 'real'? I don't have any brothers, but if I did, they would be among the lucky ones who wouldn't be subjected to this ridiculous standard; their tears would not be seen as weakness, they wouldn't be seen as lesser men.

In some circles, men who earn less than their wives are seen as weak. How does what you earn define who you are as a person? Fathers who spend excessive time with their children are called 'the mom'. Doesn't the father have any rights over his own children?

Courtesy of Unsplash 

By imposing these standards on men, by expecting them to be 'strong' and 'manly', we are instead distancing them from their own families.

Psychologically speaking, telling young boys that their tears are wrong can lead to so much damage later on. It might be harder for these boys to be empathetic as they grow up, and they will suffer because of not having appropriate outlets for their emotions.

Dear society, please let's stop projecting these standards and teaching boys and men to suppress their emotions! Let's stop sending a message that tears are a sign of weakness, that being in touch with their emotions makes them less of a man.

We're living in the 21st century, and men have as much right as women do to be in touch with their emotional side.

Live Free, Live Fierce: An Evening with Muthoni Gathecha

Muthoni and I at the 'How She Does It' dinner

Those of you who know anything about Sewanee know that it has an abundance of empowering people to connect with, and networking events galore! I can't even begin to count the amount of times I sat down with a group of amazing men and women and had meaningful conversations about anything and everything. Since coming back to Kenya, I've definitely missed the ease of access to people I could have such conversations and connections with. This is why, when a friend of mine suggested I attend a dinner and a talk that was part of a monthly series hosted by a nonprofit organisation in the area, I jumped at the chance. Connecting with fantastic, motivating women AND a great guest speaker? Of course I went! (And took my sister with me too.) I had a wonderful time, and definitely plan on going back.

Luckily for me, I was seated right next to the guest of honour, Muthoni Gathecha (psychologist, motivational speaker, actress and presenter at The Vagina Monologues), and I'm very glad that I was! Right off the bat, her energy was absolutely captivating, and her talk was extremely inspirational. As a woman who strives to be fearless and be her very best, it was amazing for me to hear from someone who IS fearless and even better than her best.

There was no way I was keeping this inspiration and empowerment to myself, and so I wrote down as much from her talk as I could, and knew that I'd end up writing about it before the week was over. Here we are!

'I am Muthoni and I am a woman.' Captivating words, and a great introduction. Muthoni explained that that introduction fits her best, because everything else about her was either acquired or learnt. Her job, her children, her studies and other such attributes only complement who she is, and do not have the right to define her wholly. I think this is a great message for women to take away, and learn to proudly own their identity! She also introduced herself as a happily divorced woman, and said (rightly so) that she did not have space for anyone who was uncomfortable accepting that.

Muthoni led us to the beginning of the series of events that built her up to be the woman that she is today. As a twelve year old, she was very forward. She would always be compared to her siblings, academically too. When she got back the results of an important exam that she took at that age, she realised that she didn't do as well as she thought she had, but her father was up in arms. At that point he told her "The best you could be is a househelp or a prostitute." Those words stuck with her, and she swore to herself that never again would such words be spoken to her, and she would achieve great things on her own merit.

At a time where everyone was choosing to pursue degrees in fields like law or medicine, Muthoni decided to get a degree in teaching. "I love the sound of my own voice," she said laughingly, "and I find it positively orgasmic to speak in front of people, and the power that gives me!" After she graduated, she was posted to Mombasa, and just two years later, at the young age of 25, she became a deputy head teacher. She had command, and the people around her obviously realised this. Two more years later, she was again promoted, and became the principal of her school. After five years in this role, she decided to pursue a Masters in Education Administration. Muthoni loves working with youth; they have a lot of energy and a lot to give, and she thrives off of this.

After a few years in a senior administrative role and a second Masters in Psychology, at the age of 50, Muthoni realised that she was stuck in a rut. Life had become monotonous, and she needed a change. There was a lot of turmoil in her life at that point, and she asked herself if that was all she had to give. So, she took early retirement at 50, and had a dramatic change; she went into acting. It wasn't easy at first, but Muthoni persevered, never stopped believing in herself and her value, and gave it her absolute all. For her first audition, she was considered too young for the main role. She was offered one scene in one episode in a 250-episode series, and decided to say yes in the spirit of not being negative. It definitely paid off; the actress who was chosen for the main role initially could not keep up, and Muthoni got the role!

Today, Muthoni is at a place where the offers are actually lining up to such an extent that she has had to turn them down. She needed to go through all that she did before she could realise her potential and all that she had to offer. She managed to move from what she termed an 'area of mediocrity,' where she had the safety of a salary at the end of the month, to a place where she had to challenge herself for every paycheque. This may seem difficult to some, but Muthoni is thoroughly enjoying herself! She has a lot of creativity and energy, and uses a metaphor that I absolutely loved: "I am not a car; I do not have a reverse gear. I move forward!"

Muthoni's energy is evident, and I'm very glad that I was able to meet her and be inspired. Though there was no way I could capture even a fraction of her energy in my words, I hope that you all are inspired by her too!

20 Things to Consider Before You Get Married

Image courtesy of SplitShire

Before we start, no, I'm not married. However, I've heard of/ read about so many couples having issues nowadays that could've easily been prevented by discussion prior to marriage. While a broken light bulb doesn't necessitate a new house, sometimes the problem may be more than a light bulb.

Therefore, I reached out to married couples and did some research to compile a list of issues to talk about, questions to ask, and things to consider before you get married to someone; no matter how much you love them, and how awkward these may seem, it seems that there are common issues married couples face. By discussing these beforehand, issues like those may be avoided entirely! Or if not, at least a couple will know that they're coming and may have planned how to handle them in advance. Some of these may be small, while others may be bigger; it all really depends on the couple!

This should seem obvious, but perhaps I'd better say it just in case- none of these issues are just black and white. What I've listed below should really be a starting point for you to have an important conversation that will hopefully provide clarity, not points to make final verdicts on.

1) Your partner's values: Everyone grows up with a set of values, and these may differ from person to person. Your values need not necessarily be the same, but it does help to consider those that your partner thinks are important. Do they value struggle as much as you do? Are they as family-oriented? Do you respect each others' values? These and other such questions should be thought about.

2) Do they respect your thinking and your work?: Does your partner recognise you as a person independent of them, and respect your thinking and the work you do? A marriage may be the union of two people, but at the end of the day, they are two different people.

3) How open minded are they?: I think this one speaks for itself, doesn't it? What are your partner's views on gender equality? Are they racist? Homophobic? Intolerant of other faiths?

4) Pet peeves: This seems silly, but do you have any habits that drive your partner crazy, and vice versa? Knowing these is key to avoiding (or at least minimising) them! Sometimes just knowing these ahead of time can help you both decide what to do to work around them.

5) Chores: After marriage, both partners will (most probably) be living in the same home, and maintaining a home requires doing chores. Who will do which? Will it be equally balanced? Does one of you absolutely hate doing chores and procrastinates them as much as possible? What standards do you have about how well you like things done, and how can you compromise on these?

6) How they handle fights: Married couples fight, and these fights are different from those of a couple that does not live together. However, people have different ways of reacting to tense situations. Some avoid them until the last minute possible, some shout at the top of their voice, some argue calmly and rationally. How does each of you handle anger? Is it easy for both of you to say sorry? Or does stubbornness kick in? It's important to realise that communication becomes even more vital in such a situation, and knowing HOW your partner communicates in tense situations can be very helpful.

7) Kids: Yes, no, how many? Do you want to have biological children? Adopt? How will you raise them? Who will discipline them? What faith will they be raised in? What middle name and surname will they have? Maybe one of you wants kids, the other does not. This is a pretty big deal, and needs to be talked about before such a long commitment. Imagine how awkward it would be if you turn to your spouse one day and tell them you're thinking of names for your future offspring, and they casually mention that they don't plan on having any...

8) The living conditions each of you are used to: The neatness of your home, the light conditions you prefer, your favourite kind of mattress (this one is more important than you'd realise!), your TV habits, how you use your space, when you eat, WHAT you eat, whether or not to have a TV in the bedroom are just some of the issues to consider when living with another person. Obviously, some compromises will have to be made on each side, and each partner will have to decide what they can compromise on and what they can definitely not give up on.

9) Do you love them just as they are? Or hope they will change after marriage?: Sometimes, people hope that certain habits of their partners will magically change after marriage. Unfortunately, this doesn't always happen. Ask yourself whether you'd be happy spending the rest of your life with your partner as they are.

10) Do they have a mind of their own and challenge you? Or agree with everything that you do? Are they comfortable with having different likes and dislikes from you?: As mentioned before, a marriage is a union of two different people. Some people prefer partners who challenge them, while others may prefer partners who always agree with them. Recommended reading: I loved Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. It's an interesting book that can help you get to know the people around you even better.

11) Finances: Money is an awkward topic, even with family. However, it's vital to discuss. What is your financial situation and that of your spouse? Can you both sustain the lifestyle you hope to maintain? Are any of you in debt? How do you plan to cover that? What are your saving habits? How do you budget? What financial commitments (like supporting family) do you already have?

12) Will you have time to spend by yourself and with your friends/family without your partner?: Marriage is a big deal, but it shouldn't involve giving up the relationships you had previously, with your family, your friends (of any gender), and yourself. Studies done show that when two people only focus on each other and their relationship, their other relationships suffer; and their overall happiness declines (I forget which studies these were, but I recently covered them in a class and could look them up for you if need be).

13) Religion and faith: What faith do you believe in, and is it important that your partner also follow the same? If not, how different are you willing to let your faiths be?

14) Family obligations: You will still have obligations to your family, be they financial, time-wise or otherwise. How does your partner feel about these (and vice versa)? Similarly, as a couple, to what extent are you willing to let your families be a part of your relationship?

15) Surnames: Will you change your surname to theirs, or vice versa? Will both of you keep your own? Will both of you take one partner's middle name and the other's surname? These are important issues, and it's important now more than ever to realise that in a 'traditional marriage,' it isn't fair to expect the woman to do all the changing.

16) Career aspirations and ambition: What career aspirations do you have, and does your partner support these? If one partner gets a fantastic job offer in a different place, will the other partner be willing to give up their job and move?

17) What do you do in your free time?: How do you and your partner intend to spend your free time together?

18) Where will you live?: Will you buy a house together, or move into one of your homes? Will you live with your parents or your partner's? If this is a long distance engagement, who will do the moving once time comes to do so?

19) How does your partner display affection?: You may have heard of the 5 love languages (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch). You and your partner may prioritise these differently, so it's important to recognise how your partner displays affection and what's important to them (and vice versa of course). At times, you may feel frustrated, and that your partner isn't loving you as much as you'd hope. Realising that the way someone displays affection is different from yours can go a long way!

20) Sense of humour and optimism/pessimism: How does your partner interact with the world, and how does this match up with you?

Of course, this list is by no means comprehensive. However, hopefully it can serve as a starting point! Have any suggestions that can be added to this list? Leave a comment on this post!

Jan 2016 add on:

If you haven't already, I think that you should definitely read Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman and Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. These books discuss issues that may well arise in relationships, and I've found them extremely helpful!

Me First

As a woman who lives in an urban society in the 21st century, I am constantly being bombarded by messages from media and advertising and even the people around me. Many of these messages encourage me to look better, be healthier, dress better; but how many of them encourage me to do it for myself? 

As much as women have progressed recently, the sad thing is that in the society we live in, we are still seen as objects who should look pretty for the sake of other people. This may be changing in other places, but it is very much the case in Nairobi. What women wear and how they look are constantly being judged and criticised and held to ridiculous standards that we aren't allowed to dictate ourselves. I remember hearing the tale of a woman who got married and was made to shower, dress up in Indian traditional clothes and make-up EVERY single morning by the time she was at the breakfast table; whereas her in-laws did not adhere to these standards. 

Unfortunately, many of us are at a stage where if we wish to dress up or put on make up, it is naturally assumed that we are doing so to impress others. If people discover that we may be doing so because we genuinely enjoy it, we are seen as vain. Isn't it time that women were allowed to join the 21st century too? 

Instances of Sexism in Kenya

Kenya is a country that has made various advancements, especially so over the past two decades. However, some pockets of society remain 'backward' for lack of a better word, and discrimination is present in many cases, ranging from racism to sexism to homophobia.

I reached out to some people and asked them to share their experiences with sexism in the country. While most of the stories below are from people I know, some are from newspaper articles or stories I've heard through other people. In the interest of keeping these accounts readable, I've presented them all in first person. Please feel free to comment with any you'd like to share!

-As a 'mzungu' man new to the country, I was prepared to adjust to a level of development that wasn't equal to that of my home country. However, one thing took me by surprise (and still does); whenever I went out to a restaurant in the company of one or more females, the check (bill) was always given to me, regardless of whether I was paying or not. To add to this awkwardness, when I was given the bill, most of the time the women I was with didn't even offer to contribute. I don't mind footing the bill once in a while, but I think it's rude to assume that I'll always pay just because I'm a man.

-Incidentally, as a woman who values her independence, it annoys me extremely when I go out to a restaurant and I am never handed the bill. If you are unsure who is paying, put the bill on the corner of the table instead of handing it to the nearest man and seeming like a sexist jerk!

-I find it annoying that whenever I visit a certain family friend's house with my father and brothers, and alcoholic drinks are being served, my father and brothers are always offered things like whisky, beer and rum, whereas I'm not even given the option; I'm expected to stick to 'ladylike' drinks like wine or soda.

-As a woman who lived in Nairobi, I have to live with the constant frustration of knowing that 'society' is watching my every move, from what I wear to what I drink to what I say to whom I associate with, while my male peers seem to escape this close scrutiny. If in the future, I was to get a divorce, I know without any doubt that this same society would place all the blame on me and would even go so far as to shun my family, whereas my husband would be the recipient of lots of sympathy. This double standard absolutely disgusts me.

-My father passed away a few years ago, and needless to say, I was struck hard by this blow. Imagine my shock and horror when my own relatives told me to 'be a man'. I was not permitted to shed tears and grieve the loss of my own father, or even to talk about how I felt with my mother. My female cousins however, were encouraged to 'let out their feelings' and were supported fully. I would have loved to get even just a hug from some of my relatives, but was denied even this basic comfort.

-As a child, I remember going to visit another girl my age, to play at her home. Everything seemed normal up until dinner time; I was extremely confused when her father and brother were sat down and served first, and only when they had almost finished were my friend, her mother and I permitted to join. At that age, I didn't understand what was going on, and only remember feeling extremely awkward and mentioning the same to my parents.

-Back in secondary school, a male friend of mine told me he had a crush on me and would like to 'go out sometime'. I excitedly reported the same to my mother, only to be told that 'girls didn't go out with strange boys'.... whereas my brother had been openly dating a girl for a few months with the full approval of my mother.

-My friend lives in an extended family. If a decision is to be made that doesn't involve what is to be made for dinner that night, his grandfather, father and uncles sit down to do so without the input of the women in the family. Similarly, if they wish to get together with another family, a man from her family will call a man from the other family, and the women will just be informed about what the plans are.

-When I got married, in addition to having to live with my in-laws, I was not allowed to keep my last name. When I suggested a compromise, such that my husband and I both took my maiden name on as a middle name, I was laughed off.