Letting Go, pt. 2

If you haven't yet read the post I did a few weeks ago about letting go, you can have a look here! Part two brings in perspectives from some more people - a huge thanks to my contributors!

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From the time I was born, my nana and grandpa have always been a major part of my life. My grandpa would pick me up three days per week from school and gladly bring me to 7-11 for a classic blue raspberry Slurpee. I would go back to their home and my nana would often have sticky buns and make me a grilled ham and cheese sandwich for dinner. I grew up learning how to play cards from my grandpa on the engraved card holder that he built in his workshop. I learned how to be kind from my nana and to appreciate the small things in life. These two individuals are the most selfless individuals I have ever met. I am proud to call them my grandparents.
My nana was the first to pass away, while I was a sophomore in high school. For my entire life she had been living with multiple sclerosis – she had lived for so long in so much pain but not once can I remember her complaining. It was difficult to lose her, but I believe everyone in my family understood that for the first time in years she would no longer be in pain. There was a sort of comfort in these thoughts that brought us all closer. Even for my grandpa, who had been married to her for almost 50 years, I could sense a sad relief knowing that she was able to feel better than she had in a very long time. In my eyes, this was one of the most selfless acts and I admire him for saying goodbye so gracefully and with such bravery for him to carry on with his new life. 

My grandpa passed away my junior year of college. He had congestive heart failure and his heart was failing him as time passed by, but his mind was the same as it had ever been. He had been playing cards every week with friends, attended every Lion’s Club meeting and would never miss an event. He never failed to call my mother to say goodnight and chat every night at 9:00. My parents, brother, and I went to visit him on his last day and spent time catching up, joking about life, hearing him sing some Irish diddies and tell a few of his countless Irish riddles. None of us really knew it was his last day, but I believe he expected it more than anyone. He called every one of his friends that day to thoroughly enjoy one more conversation and unknowingly say his farewell. He ate the ice cream sundae which he had been eagerly awaiting all week and passed away in his sleep.

Somewhere, my grandpa is dancing with my nana - he with a glimmer in his eye and she smiling so candidly in an elegant dress. Though it has been years now, there are times that I miss them so strongly I can barely keep it inside. These nostalgic feelings are paired with the fond memories I share with the rest of my family. I admire and aspire to have grace and strength like my grandpa to say goodbye, but it’s a work in progress. So I find myself passing by a silk scarf or watching an old “I Love Lucy” re-run or hearing an old Irish diddy, and the two of them live on within me.

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In the context of relationships, I’ve found that there are two sides to letting go. The first is where you consciously have to make the decision to let go of someone, and the second where the decision is made for you (be it down to another person’s decision or just circumstance).

Having experienced both angles, I think making a conscious decision to let go is the more difficult side to deal with. The mere fact that this is something you’re deliberating highlights the fact that there’s an internal conflict you’re facing – and being in this state of uncertainty I think is in itself the issue. While letting go isn’t a decision that’s easy or something that should be taken lightly, being lost in the middle is probably worse than making the ‘wrong’ decision. The way I see it, 50% of the time you’ll make the right choice and the other 50% will still give you a second chance – humans are an extremely forgiving species, and life gives you new opportunities every day. Meanwhile not choosing to pick a side leaves you wrong 100% of the time!

Being on the receiving end of a decision to let go is something I’ve actually found to be much easier. While it may be harsher and more intense, it’s also cleaner. From the receiving end, I was (eventually) able to take comfort in the fact that some things were out of my hands and therefore I couldn’t have any regrets for the things I could not control. All that was left to do was to go through the motions that followed and come out the other side.

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It’s easy to lose sight of reality when the relationship you’re letting go off is with someone who has increasingly become such a core part of your identity.

The situation by default is typically very emotionally charged and it’s hard to see past emotions with clarity of judgement.

My advice would be to reason the relationship out with logic and confide in someone if it makes this process of being objective with yourself any easier... the sooner you are able to accept that letting go is the best way forward, the easier it will be for you to overcome the accompanying discomfort that the change will bring.

Lastly, never let the storms of the past discolour your experience of the present - especially when it comes to seeking out new relationships.

Being let down or disappointed once, twice or even thrice is not reason enough to deny the world from benefiting from everything you have to share! Because remember: you are MORE than worth it.

Letting Go, pt. 1

When I was younger, I may have said that learning to let go is an unfortunate part of life - but now, I think that it is just a part of life. Not an easy part, sure, but one associated with a lot of emotion - sometimes positive, sometimes negative, and one that teaches us a lot. We learn to let go of a lot - relationships, objects, expectations, emotions - among others.

To reflect on this, I decided it was time to do a post (or a series of posts) about letting go, bringing in stories and perspectives from people across the globe. This time, the focus is on relationships - family, friends, significant others - and experiences various people have had. I was interested in hearing about other people's perspectives, especially because for me, letting go has been such an all-or-nothing experience!

Thanks so much to all my contributors! And if you're interested in contributing, please shoot me an email and we'll chat about part 2, which should be ready in 2-3 weeks.

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I would say that from my experiences, the hardest thing about letting go of a negative relationship - be this a friend, family member or partner, has been realising and accepting when the time had come to do so. There had always been so much guilt and heartache associated with the decision. Many times it didn't even strike me as an option. It always seemed to be the 'right' thing to keep trying to make it work - surely I could change myself further or change my approach, yet again, to deal with the situation?

Would letting go mean compromising my value for loyalty?

But staying would compromise so many more of my values.

Each time, I reminded myself that I was a strong and independent woman, who didn't need to be held back and drained by negativity. Life is too short for that. I also accepted that while it's okay to love a person unconditionally, we didn't need to be part of each other's lives to be happy.

Once the decision was made, and I accepted it, I felt free and light, ready to live my dreams without negativity bringing me down.

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Trying to write about “letting go” just reminds me that I haven’t necessarily let it go. Or at least that the ACT of letting go is an ongoing process for me. It’s a constant struggle to allow only healthy relationships in my life. I put up with a lot of negative behaviors from the people I care about, and while a certain amount of acceptance is needed (no one’s perfect), there is a line between companionship and abuse. I’m particularly susceptible to being taken advantage of, partly because I’m naive and optimistic, but also because I find genuine fulfillment in helping others. I am learning, though, and it’s getting easier to recognize when someone’s taking advantage of my kindness.

I dated a narcissist. He loved how good I was to him. But it was always dependent on what I could do for him, never a genuine thought for me or my welfare. I finally got myself out and distanced myself from him. The actual letting go came over a year later, though, when he came back and reminded me how great I was at dealing with his issues and how no one ever loved him like I did. I was so strong for him and it was because of me that he had learned to deal with some of his greatest obstacles. It was still all about him, but it felt good and gave me that special feeling of being appreciated. That’s what I had to let go of: that feeling of being important to someone. It’s a need to be needed and an ego boost that comes from loving the unlovable. Letting go means not letting myself fall back into the self-sacrificing behavior that certain people have taken advantage of.

He’s not the only self-centered person I’ve been attracted too, and he actually wasn’t the last, even though I could have sworn that I had learned my lesson. But he is the one who taught me that I don’t want to be a martyr, and it’s to him I compare everyone else. If the new person makes me feel like he did, I at least admit to myself that I’m making a mistake again, and I try to get myself out of that situation. I try not to get too negative about it though. There has to be balance; I may have been hurt, but I’m not a victim. They aren’t necessarily evil or malicious, but they are unhealthy. And I may feel used and abused at times, but being generous and caring does not make me inherently vulnerable.

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Your family is supposed to be your rock, your constant, your always. Blood is thicker than water, and all that, yes?

How then do you deal with the fact that sometimes, family is toxic, and vile, and pulls you down?

I moved states a few years ago, and thankfully do not have to visit with this person often - but I still deal with the conflicting emotions - "but they're family!" "Family doesn't give up on each other!"

When I decided to let go was when I realised that this relationship was serving as a black hole for all my happiness and success. Do I still love them? Well, yes. Family is family. But do I like them? Not particularly.

Moving away was the best thing I could have done for myself.

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I think it's good to sometimes distance yourself and keep away from certain relationships especially those that are toxic to you. But like it or not, you never really cut them out because they all form a part of who you are and help you evolve as a person (from my perspective). And in some cases, in the future these people can change - so it's good to be open and forgiving but sometimes they're actually the same so it may be better to just keep them out.

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I recently spoke to someone I've known for a bit - someone who had been an important part of my life. He told me that he can't have me be a part of his life anymore. In this case, my experience with letting go was one I was jolted into.

Initially, I felt offended - in light of everything we'd been through together, how could he so easily choose to exclude me from his life? This feeling persisted even after I tried to make myself aware of the external social pressures he was dealing with. I kept thinking to myself - I would never have done the same to anyone else.

Subsequent reflection taught me two things:

-First of all - get over it! Deal with it already. An automatic response was to build a wall up, to keep him out, running contrary to my decision to include him in my life in the first place, with an expectation that he would do the same - an expectation based on zero grounding.

-Secondly - there was no going back.

I felt like I was being forcefully jolted out of the safe and comfortable space I was otherwise so happy drowning in. It did feel like a smack in the face - how ignorant could I have been?

This led me to think about a few things.

Firstly, my relationship with him. It opened me to the reality of not having feelings returned in the way you expect them to be. But shouldn't that be okay? Because,if you are operating from a place of compassion, another person's joy should be a liberating experience for you, and not something that should fill you with pain such that you want to so badly respond - by alienating them.

On this day, I challenge myself to be strong enough to stick it through. I will let every bit of updates from friends in. I will no longer run. I’ll perceive these interactions as yet another opportunity to exercise compassion in an otherwise challenging situation.

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Every rejection is an indication that your path is different. Rejection makes me think of parched lands where life is difficult. The first rains in these arid areas have to find their way across the dry land, overcome obstacles in their way but eventually become the life force of so many other entities. Adaptability & resilience are so important in everything that we do.

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So I think what I have to share is that this year I’ve lost contact with a lot of people I knew really well before. Initially, I was sad about it and maybe trying to keep hold of them despite the effort and even though we were just on different wavelengths. I think I was trying to forcefully keep them in my life because they had been in my life for so long.

But at some point it just became unsustainable and it was quite liberating when I let go. People change and friendships change and it’s okay. People come in and out of your life and that’s okay too. And rather than hanging on it’s better to let go, to let things happen naturally, because this way you make space for new people in your life. People that align closer to your way of thinking and way of life.

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I know that this was about letting go of relationships - but bear with me, as a I have a point about letting go in regard to relationships.

I recently met someone - yes, met met - and in a weird way, it has made me confront and let go my previous relationships - as well as let go of expectations of what a relationship should and should not be.

Up until I met this person, I didn't know that was what I needed. Apparently it is!

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Distance. It's a funny thing, isn't it? You think that distance will have a huge impact on friendships, those that you're physically closer to will strengthen, those you're far away from will fade to a certain extent.

Was I wrong, or what?

I recently moved halfway across the globe for no reason (well - a few reasons - but that's a story for another day), far away from most of my best friends, but quite close to one of my close high school friends.

I thought that our relationship would strengthen and go back to how it used to be when we were together - but it didn't. And I finally realised that I had to let go, and the space I was holding for them to one day come back was only serving to deplete my happiness and energy. We had some good - nay, great - times together, but it was time to put that relationship behind me.

It's funny, isn't it? Shared experiences keep us together, but not all shared experiences have to be physically shared. My best friends whom I moved away from? We're closer than ever.

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Stupid distance. A friend whom I grew up with, whom I shared good and bad times with, whose wedding I planned to be in, who was going to be my bridesmaid moved away.

And that was that. Over time, I was forced to let go.

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As we venture out in our twenties exploring new opportunities, new locales and new people; inevitably, what we move away from will grow distant. Some influences will grow tiresome and some commonalities will turn into differences. With friendships, I’ve noticed a loose consensus out there: it’s part of growing up, some friendships fade with time. Changing lifestyles and priorities create natural rifts that grow into chasms. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, the same consensus does not exist.

In this arena, I have received advice that states, “You need a clean break” and conflictingly, “You can’t simply cut someone out of your life”. Most of this advice came at the end of a two-year relationship, one that began in my formative university years and ended as I broke out into the real world. I was choosing whether to let go or not. Breakups happen for a reason of course, but those reasons may not warrant complete silence. In my case they didn’t, and I chose not to cut away this positive influence in my life. I decided to stay friends.

A relationship is a living, dynamic experience. Metamorphosis between romantic intimacy and platonic support is a journey with bumps and bruises, it is the road less travelled. Memories and metaphorical scars can divert you off course, at times, taking you backward. And in these trying times, I found solace in my self-awareness.

Building a strong relationship with myself strengthened my presence in all other relationships in my life. Including this evolving friendship-with-an-ex. My ability to set boundaries, confidently share my emotions and shape the change in our relationship were results of this newfound peace with myself.

In hindsight, there were some hiccups along the way but I believe I made the right decision. There are merits to both sides of the clean break argument, but in these murky waters, I believe a strong sense of self will help you wade through.

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Love, Loss and the Land Beyond

This weekend, our family lost its eldest member, Dr. Rip Daman Singh; my paternal grandfather. He was 89 and had been ill for about 2-3 months, so this was not entirely unexpected, but it still came as something of a shock. He lived at home with us in Nairobi, and had been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

Soon enough, the news spread far and wide, and his family members all over the globe were overwhelmed with calls, messages, and so much love and support. In these two days, I understood more than ever before how loved he was and just how many people looked up to him.

My grandfather was a doctor in Kenya during colonial times and after, and was in fact a British citizen. He travelled to quite a few places and made friends wherever he went. He was a 'tale twister' for Lions Club (quite an important distinction from 'tail twister' in a Lions' Club!) I remember whenever people came home to visit, he was always ready to laugh and share a joke or story or two from back in the day, and it always surprised me to see the wealth of experience that someone I lived with everyday had. 

Death is not an easy thing for humans to confront. In a society that has done as much as it can to make itself immortal, this final end is a harsh reminder of just how fleeting life can be. 

At this time more than ever, I wished that I could be home with my parents and the rest of the family, but also realised just how united the family was. Over three continents, this past weekend, we came together stronger than ever to celebrate the legacy of a wonderful man who is one of the reasons we are so united, and that none of us is ever truly alone. Today, he and my grandmother celebrate their 65th wedding anniversary in the land beyond. They are together again after about 21 years, and those of us left here are all celebrating a life well lived with an abundance of love and laughter. Already, we've seen signs of him smiling down at us, and we know he'll be watching over us forevermore. 

"Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on the snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die."

- Mary Elizabeth Frye, 1932

97 Days to Graduation

My goodness. I don't know if the fact that I'll soon be leaving this beautiful place behind has fully sunk in until now.

Before I came to Sewanee, I was a very different person. I definitely wasn't as confident as I am today, or even as appreciative of the people around me or the experiences that I had as I should have been. These past three and a half years have gone a long way into making me into the person that I am today, and saying goodbye is going to be difficult!

I doubt that I can sum up why Sewanee is so great in just one post, so I know I'll have to spread it out over a few. While I'll have the opportunity to reflect on what I'll be leaving behind later on, right now, what's on my mind is what I'll be going towards.

I (and most of my peers) have been students for all our lives. We've had the comfort of Christmas holidays, long summer breaks, and the certainty that we know what's about to come in the next few months; more school.

Scarily enough, this is all about to change. People ask me why I'm not going directly into graduate school, and I give two reasons:
1) To get an MBA, I'd like to have some work experience first.
2) I know how to be a student. I could even argue that I'm pretty good at it. So, I'd love to challenge myself in a new way; by taking on a "real-life" job.

Where am I going to be in May? Honestly, I don't know yet. The question can sometimes scare me, and and at others, motivate me. Many peers I speak to are going through the same things. Some have their post-graduation plans neatly planned out, while some will run far, far away if they're made to think about what they're going to be doing.

Fortunately, thankfully, luckily, (and you get what I'm saying here), I know that wherever I am, it's going to be the best thing for me and I will still be able to learn. I know this not just because my experiences at Sewanee have done a fantastic job of preparing me to handle anything that comes my way, but because I have a strong support system of mentors, family and friends who believe in me.

This reminds me of a time in my final year of secondary school; I had no idea where I was going to be in September, but somehow, Sewanee happened to me, and completely changed my life.
To all the soon-to-be graduates who're terrified by the thought of leaving familiarity behind, know that graduation will not mean the end of friendships and meaningful experiences; rather, we will build up on the ones that we've had, and have some amazing new ones too. Best of luck!

Home

I was studying at my desk earlier, and happened to look up at a picture I have on my desk. It's a photography project I had done for a class I took earlier, and related to the concept of home. The project I put up on www.cowbird.com had a different picture, but the one I'd originally used was this one.

The text that accompanied this picture was:

"Growing up, I always took the places around me and related them to home. I'd see reflections of the outside world in my home.

Coming to Sewanee I realised it was actually the other way around; I carry pieces of home wherever I go, because it's about the people and things that matter, and not where I physically am. As I travel to different places, I will be asked where home is, and I'll say Nairobi. But I'll be secure in the knowledge that I can be at home far away too, and I'm cool with that."

This got me thinking about what home exactly is for me, and I realised that this was more than just a place that could be defined by an address. 

When I think of home, the first place that I think of is my home with my parents back in Kenya, and I feel that that may always be the case. Unfortunately though, this means that I am only at home for three months a year, and probably even less once I graduate. Am I homeless for the other nine months? It's kind of shocking to think about it that way...

When I'm at Sewanee though, when I talk about going home most days, I'm talking about my dorm room. It's not a big space, but I've made it my own, and it's the place I go to in order to feel comfortable and get more in touch with myself. Other times, when I'm away from Sewanee, home is my sister's apartment. I know I can be comfortable there, and entirely at ease with myself. 

What did I take away from these musings?

Home is more than just a physical place: it's a place that has memories, and the potential for more; a place you experience all sorts of emotions at; a place where there is love; a place that sets you entirely at ease. 

I've learned that it's both comforting and empowering to know that I have the ability to create a home wherever I go!