Letting Go, pt. 2

If you haven't yet read the post I did a few weeks ago about letting go, you can have a look here! Part two brings in perspectives from some more people - a huge thanks to my contributors!

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From the time I was born, my nana and grandpa have always been a major part of my life. My grandpa would pick me up three days per week from school and gladly bring me to 7-11 for a classic blue raspberry Slurpee. I would go back to their home and my nana would often have sticky buns and make me a grilled ham and cheese sandwich for dinner. I grew up learning how to play cards from my grandpa on the engraved card holder that he built in his workshop. I learned how to be kind from my nana and to appreciate the small things in life. These two individuals are the most selfless individuals I have ever met. I am proud to call them my grandparents.
My nana was the first to pass away, while I was a sophomore in high school. For my entire life she had been living with multiple sclerosis – she had lived for so long in so much pain but not once can I remember her complaining. It was difficult to lose her, but I believe everyone in my family understood that for the first time in years she would no longer be in pain. There was a sort of comfort in these thoughts that brought us all closer. Even for my grandpa, who had been married to her for almost 50 years, I could sense a sad relief knowing that she was able to feel better than she had in a very long time. In my eyes, this was one of the most selfless acts and I admire him for saying goodbye so gracefully and with such bravery for him to carry on with his new life. 

My grandpa passed away my junior year of college. He had congestive heart failure and his heart was failing him as time passed by, but his mind was the same as it had ever been. He had been playing cards every week with friends, attended every Lion’s Club meeting and would never miss an event. He never failed to call my mother to say goodnight and chat every night at 9:00. My parents, brother, and I went to visit him on his last day and spent time catching up, joking about life, hearing him sing some Irish diddies and tell a few of his countless Irish riddles. None of us really knew it was his last day, but I believe he expected it more than anyone. He called every one of his friends that day to thoroughly enjoy one more conversation and unknowingly say his farewell. He ate the ice cream sundae which he had been eagerly awaiting all week and passed away in his sleep.

Somewhere, my grandpa is dancing with my nana - he with a glimmer in his eye and she smiling so candidly in an elegant dress. Though it has been years now, there are times that I miss them so strongly I can barely keep it inside. These nostalgic feelings are paired with the fond memories I share with the rest of my family. I admire and aspire to have grace and strength like my grandpa to say goodbye, but it’s a work in progress. So I find myself passing by a silk scarf or watching an old “I Love Lucy” re-run or hearing an old Irish diddy, and the two of them live on within me.

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In the context of relationships, I’ve found that there are two sides to letting go. The first is where you consciously have to make the decision to let go of someone, and the second where the decision is made for you (be it down to another person’s decision or just circumstance).

Having experienced both angles, I think making a conscious decision to let go is the more difficult side to deal with. The mere fact that this is something you’re deliberating highlights the fact that there’s an internal conflict you’re facing – and being in this state of uncertainty I think is in itself the issue. While letting go isn’t a decision that’s easy or something that should be taken lightly, being lost in the middle is probably worse than making the ‘wrong’ decision. The way I see it, 50% of the time you’ll make the right choice and the other 50% will still give you a second chance – humans are an extremely forgiving species, and life gives you new opportunities every day. Meanwhile not choosing to pick a side leaves you wrong 100% of the time!

Being on the receiving end of a decision to let go is something I’ve actually found to be much easier. While it may be harsher and more intense, it’s also cleaner. From the receiving end, I was (eventually) able to take comfort in the fact that some things were out of my hands and therefore I couldn’t have any regrets for the things I could not control. All that was left to do was to go through the motions that followed and come out the other side.

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It’s easy to lose sight of reality when the relationship you’re letting go off is with someone who has increasingly become such a core part of your identity.

The situation by default is typically very emotionally charged and it’s hard to see past emotions with clarity of judgement.

My advice would be to reason the relationship out with logic and confide in someone if it makes this process of being objective with yourself any easier... the sooner you are able to accept that letting go is the best way forward, the easier it will be for you to overcome the accompanying discomfort that the change will bring.

Lastly, never let the storms of the past discolour your experience of the present - especially when it comes to seeking out new relationships.

Being let down or disappointed once, twice or even thrice is not reason enough to deny the world from benefiting from everything you have to share! Because remember: you are MORE than worth it.

Letting Go, pt. 1

When I was younger, I may have said that learning to let go is an unfortunate part of life - but now, I think that it is just a part of life. Not an easy part, sure, but one associated with a lot of emotion - sometimes positive, sometimes negative, and one that teaches us a lot. We learn to let go of a lot - relationships, objects, expectations, emotions - among others.

To reflect on this, I decided it was time to do a post (or a series of posts) about letting go, bringing in stories and perspectives from people across the globe. This time, the focus is on relationships - family, friends, significant others - and experiences various people have had. I was interested in hearing about other people's perspectives, especially because for me, letting go has been such an all-or-nothing experience!

Thanks so much to all my contributors! And if you're interested in contributing, please shoot me an email and we'll chat about part 2, which should be ready in 2-3 weeks.

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I would say that from my experiences, the hardest thing about letting go of a negative relationship - be this a friend, family member or partner, has been realising and accepting when the time had come to do so. There had always been so much guilt and heartache associated with the decision. Many times it didn't even strike me as an option. It always seemed to be the 'right' thing to keep trying to make it work - surely I could change myself further or change my approach, yet again, to deal with the situation?

Would letting go mean compromising my value for loyalty?

But staying would compromise so many more of my values.

Each time, I reminded myself that I was a strong and independent woman, who didn't need to be held back and drained by negativity. Life is too short for that. I also accepted that while it's okay to love a person unconditionally, we didn't need to be part of each other's lives to be happy.

Once the decision was made, and I accepted it, I felt free and light, ready to live my dreams without negativity bringing me down.

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Trying to write about “letting go” just reminds me that I haven’t necessarily let it go. Or at least that the ACT of letting go is an ongoing process for me. It’s a constant struggle to allow only healthy relationships in my life. I put up with a lot of negative behaviors from the people I care about, and while a certain amount of acceptance is needed (no one’s perfect), there is a line between companionship and abuse. I’m particularly susceptible to being taken advantage of, partly because I’m naive and optimistic, but also because I find genuine fulfillment in helping others. I am learning, though, and it’s getting easier to recognize when someone’s taking advantage of my kindness.

I dated a narcissist. He loved how good I was to him. But it was always dependent on what I could do for him, never a genuine thought for me or my welfare. I finally got myself out and distanced myself from him. The actual letting go came over a year later, though, when he came back and reminded me how great I was at dealing with his issues and how no one ever loved him like I did. I was so strong for him and it was because of me that he had learned to deal with some of his greatest obstacles. It was still all about him, but it felt good and gave me that special feeling of being appreciated. That’s what I had to let go of: that feeling of being important to someone. It’s a need to be needed and an ego boost that comes from loving the unlovable. Letting go means not letting myself fall back into the self-sacrificing behavior that certain people have taken advantage of.

He’s not the only self-centered person I’ve been attracted too, and he actually wasn’t the last, even though I could have sworn that I had learned my lesson. But he is the one who taught me that I don’t want to be a martyr, and it’s to him I compare everyone else. If the new person makes me feel like he did, I at least admit to myself that I’m making a mistake again, and I try to get myself out of that situation. I try not to get too negative about it though. There has to be balance; I may have been hurt, but I’m not a victim. They aren’t necessarily evil or malicious, but they are unhealthy. And I may feel used and abused at times, but being generous and caring does not make me inherently vulnerable.

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Your family is supposed to be your rock, your constant, your always. Blood is thicker than water, and all that, yes?

How then do you deal with the fact that sometimes, family is toxic, and vile, and pulls you down?

I moved states a few years ago, and thankfully do not have to visit with this person often - but I still deal with the conflicting emotions - "but they're family!" "Family doesn't give up on each other!"

When I decided to let go was when I realised that this relationship was serving as a black hole for all my happiness and success. Do I still love them? Well, yes. Family is family. But do I like them? Not particularly.

Moving away was the best thing I could have done for myself.

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I think it's good to sometimes distance yourself and keep away from certain relationships especially those that are toxic to you. But like it or not, you never really cut them out because they all form a part of who you are and help you evolve as a person (from my perspective). And in some cases, in the future these people can change - so it's good to be open and forgiving but sometimes they're actually the same so it may be better to just keep them out.

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I recently spoke to someone I've known for a bit - someone who had been an important part of my life. He told me that he can't have me be a part of his life anymore. In this case, my experience with letting go was one I was jolted into.

Initially, I felt offended - in light of everything we'd been through together, how could he so easily choose to exclude me from his life? This feeling persisted even after I tried to make myself aware of the external social pressures he was dealing with. I kept thinking to myself - I would never have done the same to anyone else.

Subsequent reflection taught me two things:

-First of all - get over it! Deal with it already. An automatic response was to build a wall up, to keep him out, running contrary to my decision to include him in my life in the first place, with an expectation that he would do the same - an expectation based on zero grounding.

-Secondly - there was no going back.

I felt like I was being forcefully jolted out of the safe and comfortable space I was otherwise so happy drowning in. It did feel like a smack in the face - how ignorant could I have been?

This led me to think about a few things.

Firstly, my relationship with him. It opened me to the reality of not having feelings returned in the way you expect them to be. But shouldn't that be okay? Because,if you are operating from a place of compassion, another person's joy should be a liberating experience for you, and not something that should fill you with pain such that you want to so badly respond - by alienating them.

On this day, I challenge myself to be strong enough to stick it through. I will let every bit of updates from friends in. I will no longer run. I’ll perceive these interactions as yet another opportunity to exercise compassion in an otherwise challenging situation.

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Every rejection is an indication that your path is different. Rejection makes me think of parched lands where life is difficult. The first rains in these arid areas have to find their way across the dry land, overcome obstacles in their way but eventually become the life force of so many other entities. Adaptability & resilience are so important in everything that we do.

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So I think what I have to share is that this year I’ve lost contact with a lot of people I knew really well before. Initially, I was sad about it and maybe trying to keep hold of them despite the effort and even though we were just on different wavelengths. I think I was trying to forcefully keep them in my life because they had been in my life for so long.

But at some point it just became unsustainable and it was quite liberating when I let go. People change and friendships change and it’s okay. People come in and out of your life and that’s okay too. And rather than hanging on it’s better to let go, to let things happen naturally, because this way you make space for new people in your life. People that align closer to your way of thinking and way of life.

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I know that this was about letting go of relationships - but bear with me, as a I have a point about letting go in regard to relationships.

I recently met someone - yes, met met - and in a weird way, it has made me confront and let go my previous relationships - as well as let go of expectations of what a relationship should and should not be.

Up until I met this person, I didn't know that was what I needed. Apparently it is!

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Distance. It's a funny thing, isn't it? You think that distance will have a huge impact on friendships, those that you're physically closer to will strengthen, those you're far away from will fade to a certain extent.

Was I wrong, or what?

I recently moved halfway across the globe for no reason (well - a few reasons - but that's a story for another day), far away from most of my best friends, but quite close to one of my close high school friends.

I thought that our relationship would strengthen and go back to how it used to be when we were together - but it didn't. And I finally realised that I had to let go, and the space I was holding for them to one day come back was only serving to deplete my happiness and energy. We had some good - nay, great - times together, but it was time to put that relationship behind me.

It's funny, isn't it? Shared experiences keep us together, but not all shared experiences have to be physically shared. My best friends whom I moved away from? We're closer than ever.

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Stupid distance. A friend whom I grew up with, whom I shared good and bad times with, whose wedding I planned to be in, who was going to be my bridesmaid moved away.

And that was that. Over time, I was forced to let go.

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As we venture out in our twenties exploring new opportunities, new locales and new people; inevitably, what we move away from will grow distant. Some influences will grow tiresome and some commonalities will turn into differences. With friendships, I’ve noticed a loose consensus out there: it’s part of growing up, some friendships fade with time. Changing lifestyles and priorities create natural rifts that grow into chasms. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, the same consensus does not exist.

In this arena, I have received advice that states, “You need a clean break” and conflictingly, “You can’t simply cut someone out of your life”. Most of this advice came at the end of a two-year relationship, one that began in my formative university years and ended as I broke out into the real world. I was choosing whether to let go or not. Breakups happen for a reason of course, but those reasons may not warrant complete silence. In my case they didn’t, and I chose not to cut away this positive influence in my life. I decided to stay friends.

A relationship is a living, dynamic experience. Metamorphosis between romantic intimacy and platonic support is a journey with bumps and bruises, it is the road less travelled. Memories and metaphorical scars can divert you off course, at times, taking you backward. And in these trying times, I found solace in my self-awareness.

Building a strong relationship with myself strengthened my presence in all other relationships in my life. Including this evolving friendship-with-an-ex. My ability to set boundaries, confidently share my emotions and shape the change in our relationship were results of this newfound peace with myself.

In hindsight, there were some hiccups along the way but I believe I made the right decision. There are merits to both sides of the clean break argument, but in these murky waters, I believe a strong sense of self will help you wade through.

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Rainy Monday

Me vs. Me

I.

Morning. 

Me: Ah crap, it's a Monday, AND it's raining outside. Jeez, it's gonna take me forever to get to work. Maybe I can drive through Elliott Street, avoid some of the traffic... but it's so long and I'll probably have to leave early!! Yikes... I wonder if I have time for breakfast? Nope, probably not. Just going to have to make a dang cup of tea and take it to go. Crap crap crap. 

WHERE ARE THOSE BLACK TROUSERS?! Oh shoot, completely forgot to iron those over the weekend.. great. Guess I'll have to go with the other pair, and dress them with some bright boots... black and gray would've been a perfect combination today though!

Mid-morning

Me: I hate my life. OF COURSE today would be the day that the boss asks me to take on a new account. Sure, I'll get to that, along with all the other crap I'm supposed to do... 

Should probably call the new client to set up a meeting, huh? Eh, it can wait, they don't seem all THAT important. 

Lunch Time

Me: Are we done yet? Is it over? HOW IS IT ONLY ONE O'CLOCK? And why's that woman from HR smiling at me? Stop smiling, friendly HR woman, it's raining and it's a Monday. Who smiles on a Monday, jeez?

Mid-afternoon

Me: Is that my phone? Yup, group text from the best friends... hmm... am I free to meet for dinner tonight? Noooope! Yikes, do they have any idea how crappy today has been? Dinner's gonna be a pizza and Netflix with me, thank you very much!

Almost 5 o'clock

Me: HOW IS THIS DAY NOT OVER? 

Driving Home

Me: Ugh.

Night Time

Me: Oh thank GOODNESS, that went on forever!! Gah, I hope it's not raining again tomorrow. Why is the weekend so far away?? Goodnight world, thanks for nothing.

II.

Morning. 

Me: Show time!! Such a great weekend, needed a break. Can't wait to see what everyone thought of the show on Friday night. Let's go, Monday! Hmm... is it raining outside? Huh, that tree looks kinda cool. Should probably leave early and drive through Elliott to avoid the traffic. No time for breakfast, but I'll grab at work! At least I got my tea. 

Hmm... where did I put those black trousers I was planning to wear? Oh shoot, still unironed, whoops! I guess I could go with the other pair and wear them with my red shirt and those boots I got... gray would've been too dismal for a rainy day anyway!

Mid-morning

Me: Elliott's a really pretty road! I wonder why I don't take that route more often?

Boss called me to the office... wonder what's up? 

Well, that was pretty cool. Nice of her to take me for a quick breakfast! The new client is small, and means more work, but I've heard good things, and I'm glad the boss thought of me when the new account opened up! Let's see... hmm... let me give them a call and set up a meeting for later during the week. I'll finish all the rest that's due by the end of today and start preparing for them!

Lunch Time

Me: Ah, this cafeteria. Let's see, Monday, rainy day? The soup must be tomato bisque if I know what's what... yup, there we go! That's awesome, been craving it for a while. Oh hey, there's that HR lady who was at wine club the other night... maybe I should go sit down with her, always fun to make new friends!

Mid-afternoon

Me: Is that my phone? Yup, group text from the best friends... hmm... am I free to meet for dinner tonight? Busy day, but maybe they can come over for takeout at my place? It'd be fun to rewatch some of those old movies, especially with this rainy weather!

Almost 5 o'clock

Me: Oh my goodness, is it 5 already? Where'd all the time go? 

Driving Home

Me: I LOVE this song! Who's it by? Gotta make a note to pick up their album next time I hit the stores. 

Night Time

Me: Oh, that was awesome. Those girls are the best. I can't feel my abs from having laughed so hard! Night world, see you tomorrow!

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Joie De Vivre

(Starting today, I'll be featuring a guest blogger every month or so. Aniqah is one of my best friends, and I've known her for about 12 years now, and she's always been a source of support and inspiration. She's also a great writer, and I felt that it wouldn't be fair if I kept her work to myself, which is why I asked her to guest blog for me. I hope all of you enjoy getting to know this beautiful person as much as I did! Want to see more of her work? Check it out at Living the London Dream. She also has a new website coming out soon, www.aniqahkhalid.com)

I have habit of sometimes going very deep or simply going onto a tangent from the main subject I would be addressing. My mind is easily tempted by other thoughts and effortlessly lets my writing become an array of different ideas and thoughts totally scattered and sometimes unrelated. As this is my first post on darling Roshni’s blog, I thought I’d ease you, the reader, into my habit of writing, and before you know it, you will begin to understand my trail of thought and follow what it is I am trying to verbalize.

As an introductory article, I thought I would focus on something very important to me. Joie De Vivre. Enjoyment of life. Something so simple but so extraordinarily underrated. When one ventures into the subject of ‘What is life?’, many answers such as self-fulfillment and a person’s specific purpose and journey surface. As right as they are, 

the question of how much you enjoy your life prevails…

Joie De Vivre does not necessarily mean owning the largest house and driving the most outrageous car or having the most exciting life. Yes, these things most surely do provide utility, however, the simplest things in life sometimes can go the longest way.

A steaming cup of tea, an understanding hug, a sleeping puppy, a light joke with a loved one, the smell of baking, the feel of the sun on your skin and so much more. These are examples of part of your everyday and many of us ignore them or place them in the category of ‘ordinary’. We wait for an occasion or an adventure to happen. We forget the impact all these little moments have on our life, we forget the magic they hold. Why not make everyday an occasion for celebration, or your own little adventure?

Perspective. You can see the glass half full or half empty, or not see the glass at all. Life is short in comparison to what you can pack into it. You have the choice to pack in an excessive amount of rain or sunshine. Savour each moment, emotion and person in your life. Make every moment last and add it to the scrapbook of your mind. Even alone time is so blissful and gratifying. That, my friend, is how one achieves Joie De Vivre.