Love, Loss and the Land Beyond

This weekend, our family lost its eldest member, Dr. Rip Daman Singh; my paternal grandfather. He was 89 and had been ill for about 2-3 months, so this was not entirely unexpected, but it still came as something of a shock. He lived at home with us in Nairobi, and had been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

Soon enough, the news spread far and wide, and his family members all over the globe were overwhelmed with calls, messages, and so much love and support. In these two days, I understood more than ever before how loved he was and just how many people looked up to him.

My grandfather was a doctor in Kenya during colonial times and after, and was in fact a British citizen. He travelled to quite a few places and made friends wherever he went. He was a 'tale twister' for Lions Club (quite an important distinction from 'tail twister' in a Lions' Club!) I remember whenever people came home to visit, he was always ready to laugh and share a joke or story or two from back in the day, and it always surprised me to see the wealth of experience that someone I lived with everyday had. 

Death is not an easy thing for humans to confront. In a society that has done as much as it can to make itself immortal, this final end is a harsh reminder of just how fleeting life can be. 

At this time more than ever, I wished that I could be home with my parents and the rest of the family, but also realised just how united the family was. Over three continents, this past weekend, we came together stronger than ever to celebrate the legacy of a wonderful man who is one of the reasons we are so united, and that none of us is ever truly alone. Today, he and my grandmother celebrate their 65th wedding anniversary in the land beyond. They are together again after about 21 years, and those of us left here are all celebrating a life well lived with an abundance of love and laughter. Already, we've seen signs of him smiling down at us, and we know he'll be watching over us forevermore. 

"Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on the snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die."

- Mary Elizabeth Frye, 1932

The Good Old Extended Family

Before I start, I want to go ahead and stress that this post reflects my personal point of view. I'm in no way telling others what they should do, or judging them on how they live their lives.
Okay, maybe that last part isn't all the way true. Everyone judges others to some degree, and I'm certainly no exempt angel.

When I talk of the extended family, I'm talking about the type that is common in the Indian culture; in India, and in people of Indian origin in other countries who have managed to keep up with aspects of the culture. Also, I'm talking about this in terms of a wife living with her in-laws. The reason this came to mind is that recently, a friend and I had this discussion, and he challenged me to think about why I was so uncomfortable with the idea of moving into my 'husband's parents' home' (in the potential distant future).

When a couple is starting off on a new life together, they need privacy. Period. They need to be able to set their own rules, build their own house, have their fights, and set out on a life of their own. I think this is extremely difficult to do when you have to worry about the other relationships in the house. I'd find it hard to move into a house with pre-established rules and traditions, and be expected to follow them. Now, I know I'm a non-conformist (within reasonable bounds). I like challenging the status quo, and if I feel something is wrong, I'm not comfortable complying, no matter how uncomfortable the situation gets. And definitely, a pair of newlyweds in a house with others will not have as much freedom to pave their own path. I'm not saying that everyone wants to. But I do.

Another aspect of being newly married is the fights and disagreements that will inevitably arise; in any relationship, this is the case. However, the direction of such a disagreement can be heavily influenced by external (though well meant) forces.

What else has made me wary of such extended families? In a large proportion of the ones I've known or heard of, the problems they've had living together have outweighed the benefits. From disagreements on how to raise children, to inability to make decisions to outright abuse, I've heard of and seen a number of problems.

One of my reasons could be seen as petty; whey the husband's family, and not the wife's? (I don't think it's petty, but others could).

Yes, I know that it is extremely important to be around family, and I am really close to my own. I know that my ideal situation would be one where I had the privacy to live on my own with my (again, in the potential VERY distant future) husband, and yet lived in a place that had close enough access to both sides of the family.