Thursday, October 25, 2018

Grief and I


Allow me to introduce you to my friend, Grief. He has been walking with me since April and I do wonder when I may be left alone...

Is there an FAQ for losing someone? Asking for a friend - not Grief, but me this time.

It's been a little busy in my mindspace recently - you see, Grief is quite popular and since he started hanging out with me, he has all these other friends who've decided to join the party.

Confusion. Waking up and feeling like it may be an ordinary day - but something, somewhere feels off, what could it be? Confusion. Having those around our family think that we're doing fine - how can they not see?

Rage. She kind of roams around with no clear target - sometimes she's concerned with how modern medicine failed us, how they didn't detect how serious it was in time, how something, SOMEWHERE, might have saved my uncle.

Gratitude. 26 years - I had 26 wonderful years to learn from him. Cut short though they may be, I'm grateful for every single day of these.

Fear. Fear whispers in my ear - what if what if what if? What if you have to go through this again? This time you broke, slowly and surely. Next time, you will surely shatter, and there won't be any putting you back together.

Fearlessness. Strangely enough, Fearlessness and Fear have found a way to coexist. Nothing could ever be scary compared to the last few months, right?

Anger. So much of it. The future we got cheated out of. Sometimes, unjustifiable toward my other family, who got more time with him then I did - and immediately followed by

Shame. We all lost him. I don't get to prioritise my friend Grief over his cousins who've found homes with my family at this time.

Hope. She's the gentle hand on my shoulder, telling me to stay strong, to be strong, to be happy - because that's what he would want.

Hurt. So many conversations left unspoken, questions left unasked. Things that only Shiri uncle would know - moments where I forget, the past, the usual, comes rushing back, I think of picking up the phone and shooting him a quick message and then boom! Hurt reminds me of that which I dared to forget.

Weariness. She's the loner standing at the corner of this whole party whispering softly

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. When does this ever end?

Strength. He's the friend who has a direct connection to my support network and has managed to keep me going - keep us going - as this party goes on. I'm thankful, everyday, for his perseverance.

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