Today's guest post is from a beautiful person I know who has a story to tell - a story about love and heartbreak and what it feels like to be human.
I once heard someone describing their heartbreak as physical pain they felt within their breast. I could not understand it and I could not comprehend how emotions and our physical being could become so synced by something as meagre as love.
The pain hit me right in the middle of my chest. It began as a tightening feeling and grew upwards to my throat and neck. Anxiety it threatened and misery it promised. It was actual physical pain and it felt like all the happiness from within my existence had vanished instantly. I thoroughly wish I was writing with extreme exaggeration - however, it seems this is why heartbreak is named as it is.
So many unanswered questions, so much yet to say and so many promises broken. “I’ll never leave” was the biggest lie we said. So much was so wrong with everything, yet everything seemed so right. Sense and practicality had taken a back seat because your smile was all I needed to forget myself. It seemed that reality had finally become better than those escaping dreams, for sleep was something we fought and every waking moment was drenched in the vibrancy of each other.
Many have presumed to have fully understood love. They say that you cannot have loved for this and that reason and condition, it is as though a rule book exists. I was once of that school of thought until I got knocked to the ground by love and all its grandeur. Love in all her magnificence and glory was too remarkable for me. I questioned her presence and I believed her loyalties lay more with you than me. Indeed I was wrong, for she was not just to either of us.
In a world far away, it would have just been me and you, me and you, just us two. However, life had something so alternative in store for us. We were never perfect for one another and no matter how much we tried to mold our shapes, these two pieces would not fit together. To love someone and for them to be your ever after are mutually exclusive, this we learnt the hard way.
In the night I can hear you call my name and in the day I can feel your smile dance on my skin. I remember every curve of your face and every hair within your beard especially the odd white ones which you hate but which I love so. I remember the sound of your laugh and the pain and sadness in your eyes as you reflected on what has passed, what is now and what is to come.
Love flowed deep within me although you doubted me and doubted my love, it was always there, however what I will admit was that I didn’t love myself enough to love you for everything you came with. Now, just like sand slipping through my fingers; I have to let you go for you were never mine to keep. You belong to the whirlwind of life and to those who have already claimed your love. You belong to someone who has enough strength to fix their own broken pieces as well as yours and who can carry the weight of the own heart and yours. I was never strong enough for the two of us.
The tears I constantly weep make no sense to me for I do not know if I am mourning the loss of you, or the loss of who I was when I was with you. The pain in my heart will continue to surface in the small moments of the day. My days will carry on as will yours, however I will always have those instants where I will stop with whatever I am doing and I will miss you terribly. For now that is my constant being.
Then a day will come, a day where my happily ever after will come and you will become a distant memory whose lines I can barely remember. The thought of forgetting you makes my heart ache and yet it gives me hope to know that someday my heart will be able to love again, and from the lessons I have learnt, it will indeed love wholly and fully.
For now, I leave you to the one who is the best of keepers, and I pray that wherever you are, whoever you may be with and however you may be that happiness will always find you. May all the hardships you have faced become easier and may every moment presented to you be filled with utmost beauty.
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